Why Staying Out of Court Matters So Much for LGBTQ Couples

By Concetta G. Spirio, Esq.

Date: May 21, 2025

Have you ever wondered why it’s especially important for LGBTQ couples to avoid the courtroom when navigating a divorce or separation?

For many of us in the LGBTQ community, the answer is deeply personal. The court system—while improved in some ways—still carries the weight of historical bias and structural limitations. That is why more divorcing LGBTQ couples are turning to the Collaborative Divorce Process as a better, more respectful path forward. It offers something courts often cannot: dignity, privacy, and the space to tell your full story.

Let’s talk about why that matters.

A Legal System That Wasn’t Built for Us

Even though marriage equality has granted critical rights for our community, it didn’t erase the struggles LGBTQ couples faced for decades. If you’re like me, and have been in a long-term relationship, long before we were legally allowed to marry, you know what I mean. We built lives, bought homes, raised children, planned our financial future and retirement, together. However, because those years weren’t always backed by legal documents, they often don’t “count” in a court of law.

That’s one of the biggest shortcomings of the traditional legal system. It looks at what’s on paper—marriage certificates, adoption documents—not what’s in your heart or in the home you built over time. And that’s exactly where the Collaborative Divorce Process makes such a big difference.

Why Collaborative Divorce Works for LGBTQ Couples

1. It’s More Respectful and Inclusive

The Collaborative Divorce Process is all about partnership—not battle. It brings both people to the table to work together with a team of trained professionals who understand the emotional and legal layers involved. For LGBTQ couples, this means your identity, history, and values are honored, not erased.

2. It Lets You Acknowledge Your Whole Relationship

The courts often ignore the years you were together before legal marriage was an option. The Collaborative Divorce Process doesn’t. You and your partner can create agreements that reflect your actual history—not just the part the law chooses to recognize.

3. Privacy Matters—And You Get It

Court proceedings are public. The Collaborative Divorce Process happens privately and confidentially, in a space where you can be open without fear of judgment, discrimination, or having your personal life exposed. That confidentiality is powerful, especially in a world where many LGBTQ folks still face bias and downright discrimination.

4. It Allows for Fairer Financial and Parenting Decisions

We all know the system hasn’t always treated LGBTQ families equally. From losing out on health benefits to being excluded from spousal Social Security, to losing custody of our children because of our “lifestyle,” many of us faced deeply personal and financial hurdles that straight, married couples never had to think about. The Collaborative Divorce Process allows you to factor in those inequities—and to craft parenting plans that reflect your reality, not outdated laws.

5. It Encourages Healing Instead of Hurt

Let’s be honest—divorce is hard. But The Collaborative Divorce Process focuses on communication, empathy, and healing. For LGBTQ individuals who’ve already dealt with discrimination and trauma, this respectful process can mean the difference between feeling shattered and feeling seen.

How Courts Still Fall Short for LGBTQ Families

Even with marriage equality, many LGBTQ couples are still left out in the cold when it comes to legal protections—especially those who were together long before they could legally marry. Here’s where the courts continue to struggle:

• No Recognition for Pre-Marriage Relationships: You might have been with your partner for 15 years, but if you married only five years ago, the court likely only recognizes those five years.

• Unjust Asset Division: Everything you built together before marriage? It may not be considered when dividing property or calculating support.

• Alimony Gaps: The court may deny spousal support (alimony) because the “legal” marriage was short—even if one partner gave up career opportunities or financial independence for the relationship years before marriage was possible.

• Parenting Challenges: Many LGBTQ parents had to fight for legal recognition as parents. And if the non-biological parent never legally adopted the child, courts may still overlook their role—even if they were an equal parent from day one.

• Emotional Harm: Being told your relationship doesn’t count is devastating. Courts can leave LGBTQ individuals feeling invalidated, erased, and hurt all over again.

  
  

Choosing a Better Way Forward

The Collaborative Divorce Process gives LGBTQ couples the chance to write their own story—one that’s fair, compassionate, and reflective of who they really are. It’s not just about avoiding court; it’s about reclaiming our stories, our dignity, and our power.

Our voices and our relationships have always counted. Now it is time our separation process does too.