Protecting Your Children During Divorce

By: Amy Reinstein-Augenstein, Esq., LCSW

Date: October 1, 2025

Divorce can feel overwhelming and emotionally draining for everyone involved, but for children this significant transition for the family can be especially confusing and painful.   One of the biggest priorities for parents during separation or divorce is in ensuring that the children continue to thrive and that the children are not unduly impacted as they struggle to understand the changes in the family structure.

Keeping the protection of children at the forefront during divorce is so essential, as numerous studies have shown that children of divorce are more susceptible to developing depression, anxiety, substance abuse, physical symptoms and behavioral issues.  Susceptibility does not mean whatsoever that such issues for children are inevitable.  It just means that it is especially important for parents to focus on the emotional and psychological needs of the children during and after divorce.

Taking the appropriate steps to focus on those emotional and psychological needs of the children has been shown to be very transformative and beneficial for helping children cope and build resilience and in achieving a reduction or elimination of any long standing impact of divorce. While parents will not be able to shield their children from all difficulties, many steps can be taken to ensure the best outcome possible as family bonds are being reconfigured.

Protect Children from Conflict

It is well established in psychological research and longitudinal studies that parental conflict is one of the most damaging aspects of divorce for children. Keeping this in mind, it is so important to avoid arguments in front of your children or to make negative remarks about the other parent.  Studies have also made clear that children having a meaningful involvement with both parents, who are healthy and loving to the children and having parents who are cooperatively co-parenting is associated with best outcomes for children during and after divorce. Avoid having the children become messengers between you and their other parent or exposed to too much information related to legal or other adult issues. 

Protect Children by Maintaining Routine and Stability

Predictability can provide children with comfort during times of uncertainty.  If possible, it is beneficial to preserve routines related to school, extracurricular activities, mealtimes and bedtimes. Predictable parenting plans can be very helpful for children to manage expectations. For holidays, if the children have become accustomed to a particular holiday spent with certain beloved relatives try to maintain that consistency and joy for the children while also being mindful of the other parent’s need to have quality holiday time with the children. Work cooperatively with your co-parent with the best interests of your children at the forefront so that the children have cherished time with both parents and also with extended family.

Protect Children by Fostering Open and Honest Communication

Children need honest, age-appropriate explanations about the changes occurring in the family. Reassurance should always be offered that they are not responsible in any way for the divorce and that both parents will continue to love and support them. 

Encouraging children to talk about their feelings is also very helpful. As a parent it is best to be respectful, non-judgmental and accepting about their feelings, providing validation for what they may express, even if it is difficult to hear.  Continue to provide reassurance to your children of your love for them.

Protect Children in Choice of Process for Separation or Divorce

The choice of process for separating or divorcing is an important factor in protecting the children and prioritizing their needs.  In both the Collaborative Divorce model and in mediation parents will not be resolving their differences in a process that often offers high conflict or in front of a judge or court magistrate. In mediation parents are working together with a supportive neutral to help make decisions. Collaborative Divorce is another non-adversarial process in which each spouse retains a specially trained  attorney and also works with a team of neutrals, including mental health professionals and financial experts.

Sessions will be held in a private environment with professionals who seek to help foster calm and reduce trauma or conflict.  Particularly in the Collaborative Divorce model, with the assistance of a Family Support Specialist (“FSS”) or Child Specialist (“CS”), a good foundation can be established for future co-parenting as the FSS or CS supports parents in transitioning to new co-parenting roles and in making decisions on parenting plans, legal and residential custody and other issues involving the children. This process fosters child centered communication and customized solutions for your particular family and models respectful communication that you can carry with you for many years after the divorce. 

Protect Children by Being a Cooperative Co-Parent

Children benefit from having a strong and healthy relationship with both parents, except of course in situations where there are safety or other concerns with one parent. Despite how one might feel about the other parent as a spouse or partner, focusing on the benefit to the children of having a strong and positive relationship with the other parent helps to reinforce a sense of love and belonging for the children during a time which can feel insecure. 

Offer flexibility to the other parent when you can and work on communicating with the other parent calmly and respectfully. It can be extremely helpful to have  communication on child related issues via regularly scheduled communication with your co-parent and by utilizing  shared calendars and/ or co-parenting apps. Working with a family therapist or parenting coordinator can also be very helpful. Cooperative co-parenting is associated with better outcomes, particularly for self -esteem and academic performance. 

Protect Children by Providing Additional Sources of Support

As the saying goes “it takes a village”.  Consider utilizing counselors, therapists and other child specialists to provide valuable support for the children.  Let your children’s teachers and guidance counselors know what changes are transpiring in the family and seek their support.  Many schools have Banana Splits programs, especially for younger children and guidance counselors, school psychologists or social workers for older children.  Professionals can help the children process their emotions and the changes occurring in their lives and they can also offer support to you as a parent trying to manage so much at once. 

Protect Children by also Taking Care of Yourself

Getting support for yourself from friends, family, therapists, divorce coaches or support groups, for example, is a needed investment in your ability to care for your children.  Engage in stress reducing activities and maintain a healthy lifestyle with proper nutrition and exercise. Seeing you making sure you are prioritizing your mental and physical health during this difficult period can be an excellent model for your children to learn coping skills and how to be resilient. 

Divorce is an undeniably challenging time but certainly does not need to compromise a child’s long term well-being.  As this article has highlighted, protecting your children during and after divorce from high conflict; supporting stability; fostering open and honest communication; being a cooperative and respectful co-parent; finding resources for yourself and your children and making a careful choice of process for separation and divorce can offer immeasurable protection for your child now and for their emotional and psychological health in the future.