By: Elizabeth Vaz, Esq.
Date: March 11, 2025
Knowing when it's time to get a divorce is one of the most difficult and emotional decisions many individuals will face. Whether you and your spouse have been unhappy for years or you are experiencing a sudden shift in your relationship, or even your own perception of the relationship, the realization that your marriage is no longer working can bring up a whirlwind of emotions. These feelings can include confusion, fear, guilt, or in some cases even relief.
If you are now at the point where you know ta divorce is the right step for you, it’s important to approach the process with a sense of clarity, preparation, and intentionality. I try to stress to people all the time that divorce is not just a legal process; it’s an emotional journey that will impact nearly every area of your life. So, knowing this, how do you move forward when you know divorce is the best for you?
In this blog post, we’ll guide you through some of the essential steps to take once you realize you need to get divorced, from emotional preparation to logistical planning and seeking professional support. And while there are many other things to consider when getting divorced, these tips should provide you with a good starting point.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings and Take Time for Reflection
Before you take any practical steps, it’s essential to process your emotions. Divorce is a monumental life change, and it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions during this time. Take some time to reflect on why you feel this is the right decision for you. Consider the reasons why the marriage is no longer serving you, and be honest with yourself about your motivations. Do not let others dictate how you are feeling about this or try to gaslight you into believing that your situation (and the feelings surrounding the situation) is not real.
It’s important to explore and acknowledge your feelings and understand what has led to this point. Are there issues like emotional abuse, infidelity, or even lifestyle differences that make staying in the marriage unfeasible? Are you experiencing a breakdown in communication, trust, or connection that no longer feels repairable? Or maybe you are not able to pinpoint exactly what is "wrong" in the marriage but you know that you need out.
If you’re uncertain about your decision or need to process your feelings, it can be helpful to talk with a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist. Sometimes, reflecting with a professional or a support system can provide clarity and insight that helps you move forward with confidence. You can even journal your feelings and look back at the feelings you experienced during certain times and try to establish a clear correlation between the activities and the emotions. Anything that you can do to help gain a bit more control over your feelings, is an excellent idea.
2. Consider Your Options for Divorce
Once you’ve made the decision to divorce, you should start to consider the various methods available for proceeding with your divorce. The approach you choose will depend on factors such as the complexity of your situation, your relationship with your spouse, and how willing both of you are to work together. I always encourage starting with the out-of-court options first, as much as you feel you are able, in order to save you a tremendous amount of time, money and emotional resources.
Here are some common divorce methods:
Traditional Litigation: This is the most adversarial approach that we rarely find helpful. This process often involves "pitbull" style attorneys, court appearances, and a judge who may make the final decisions. While court intervention may be necessary in some cases, traditional litigation can also be emotionally taxing, time-consuming, and very expensive. And by very expensive, it can be tens of thousands of dollars before you even get to trial- and that is only one person's legal fees.
Mediation: Divorce mediation involves working with a neutral third-party mediator to negotiate a divorce settlement that makes sense fo your family. Mediation is less adversarial and can be a cost-effective way to resolve disputes in a more amicable manner. You and your spouse do not have to agree on everything in advance and you should not anticipate that the process will be a "feel good" session. However, the goal is never to ramp up emotions nor encourage any posturing that does not further your goal of moving forward.
Collaborative Divorce: The Collaborative Divorce Process is a cooperative approach in which both you and your spouse will have your own attorneys and, in most cases, you will also have two neutral parties as part of the "Collaborative Team;" namely a financial professional and a facilitator. Working with this fuller team can help resolve divorce-related issues outside of court. It’s designed to keep the process respectful and focused on finding mutually beneficial solutions that will last far into your future.
Do-It-Yourself Divorce: In some cases, if your divorce is 'uncontested,' meaning that neither of you want t fight it in court, and you both agree on all major issues, a DIY divorce may be an option. However, this is only feasible if there are no complex assets, open custody issues, or disputes.
Understanding the pros and cons of each option will help you determine which path is right for your unique situation.
3. Gather Important Financial and Legal Documents
Once you’ve made the decision to divorce, regardless of the process option you have chosen, start gathering all the necessary financial and legal documents. These documents will be critical for understanding your financial situation and can help you and your spouse make informed decisions as you move forward with the process. I suggest having these documents saved and organized digitally, so they are readily available for the professionals you are working with.
Some of the documents you may need include:
Bank statements (checking, savings, retirement accounts)
Tax returns for the past few years
Mortgage or lease agreements
Bills and debt records (credit card debt, loans, etc.)
Property records (real estate, vehicles, etc.)
Health insurance information
Wills and estate planning documents
Custody arrangements (if you have children)
Pets arrangements (if you have pets)
Having these documents organized will help you and your attorney (if applicable) navigate the divorce process more efficiently.
4. Consider Your Children’s Needs
If you have children, I am sure that you and your spouse want what is best for them and that you want them to be your central consideration throughout the divorce process. Divorce can be a difficult transition for children, so it’s important to minimize the impact on them as much as possible. Think about their emotional needs, stability, and routine during the divorce and know that the divorce itself will not determine how well your children thrive during and after the divorce; it is the way the two of you communicate and co-parent that will be a determining factor. By keeping their needs front and center, your children can thrive.
When preparing for the divorce, ask yourself questions such as:
How will the custody arrangement be structured? Will this need to change as the children get older?
Will there be joint or sole custody? How will we decide this?
What is the best way to ensure that the children maintain a close relationship with both parents?
How will you explain the divorce to your children in an age-appropriate way? Should we bring in a child specialist to help us have this discussion with the children?
Depending on the circumstances, you may also need to consider child support, education, and healthcare expenses. Working with a mediator or Collaborative team can help ensure that you make the best decisions for yourself, for your future and for your children, while creating a sustainable co-parenting arrangement.
5. Seek Professional Support
Going through a divorce can be emotionally challenging, and seeking professional support can make a huge difference. Whether it’s therapy for yourself, couples counseling, your own divorce coach or even support groups for those going through a divorce, there are many resources available to help you cope with the emotional aspects.
Therapy can be especially helpful if you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, fear, or anger. A therapist can help you take a deeper dive into the emotional complexities related to your relationship and your divorce, they can help you explore your emotions, and work on healing and building emotional resilience.
Additionally, consider seeking legal counsel or financial advice from professionals who specialize in divorce cases. An experienced divorce attorney can help you understand your rights, protect your interests, and guide you through the legal process. Financial advisors can help you prepare for the financial changes that may come with divorce and ensure that you’re making informed decisions for your future.
6. Communicate With Your Spouse (If Possible)
If it’s safe and feasible to do so, try having an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your decision to divorce. It’s natural for this conversation to be difficult, but it’s necessary. You are not serving yourself by putting this conversation off, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. Try approaching the discussion with respect and empathy and framing it as something that you are feeling- do not make it about blaming each other for past wrongs. If there are children involved, try to frame the conversation in a way that emphasizes the importance of co-parenting and prioritizing the well-being of your children moving forward. Generally, this is
Remember, if communication is difficult, or even dangerous, you can seek help from a counselor to facilitate the conversation. Oftentimes, having the "hard" conversations in a safe space, like a therapist's room, can help tremendously.
7. Take Care of Yourself
Divorce can be a stressful and emotional process, and it can take a toll on your mental and physical health. As you go through this transition, from thinking about a divorce to hiring the professionals and beyond, be sure to prioritize self-care. Whether that means taking time to exercise, walking in nature, spending time with loved ones, meditating, or engaging in activities that bring you joy, it’s essential to take care of your own well-being as you navigate the divorce process. You cannot be there for your children or your family- or even your future self- if you are not taking some time for YOU right now.
Final Thoughts
Knowing that divorce is imminent is never easy but with some thoughtful planning and the right support, you can navigate this challenging transition with greater clarity and confidence. The process may be difficult, but it’s also an opportunity for personal growth, healing, and building a new chapter in your life. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone — seek the help and resources that will support you as you move forward.
Taking the right steps BEFORE you file for divorce is essential.